‘I am broken inside’: Revisiting lessons from Jiah Khan’s death and suicide note

Jiah Khan s suicide is now in news again because of Sooraj’s impending movie release. Whether it is a genuine attempt to clear the air or just a PR act, we do not know. However, when we remember the young, beautiful, famous actress deciding she had no other solution than to take her own life, it is a testament to the amount of emotional pain she must have been experiencing. Also Read - Akshay Kumar, Piyush Mishra, Sonam Kapoor and more Bollywood celebs who opened up on facing sexual abuse in childhood

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Her suicide note portrays a curious paradox of a relationship characterised by unrequited love and abuse. The pain and turmoil is palpable and it seems like there should be tears dripping down from the words. Jiah truly speaks the universal language of a heartbroken lover; anger, demoralisation, disappointment, despair, and total emptiness. Also Read - Spend time in nature to reduce work stress and improve mental health

But as sad and heart-breaking this tragedy may be, life will go on and the story will soon become old news. However, if women around the world can take a lesson or two from Jiah s experience, the tragedy can make women stronger and in some cases, avoid some of the unfortunate circumstances she had in her life.

The full text of Jiah s note can be seen here. Her original words will appear in red.

I am running away from everything.

It s normal that when life is painful, running away feels like the right thing to do to alleviate the discomfort. For Jiah, running away meant killing herself. For some people it means having an affair; or never leaving the house; or moving somewhere impulsively; or isolating from all relationships, even ones with close friends and family.

But running away rarely solves the issue. It just provides a temporary solution. If you find yourself in a situation where you want to run away, find someone you can talk to who you trust. It may be a therapist, a close friend, a family member. Sometimes talking out the plan can help you figure out whether it is a sound idea. Not to mention that the comfort in having someone listen to you can be helpful in calming yourself down.

The career is not even worth it any more. When I first met you I was driven, ambitious and disciplined. Then I fell for you, a love I thought would bring out the best in me. I don t know why destiny brought us together. After all the pain, the rape, the abuse, the torture I have seen previously I didn t deserve this. I didn t see any love or commitment from you. I just became increasingly scared that you would hurt me mentally or physically.

It s natural to gravitate to a relationship that appears to bring out the best in you. But when it doesn t, it s so hard to have the clarity and the courage to walk away without looking back.

Jiah was trapped in an allegedly abusive relationship. She started out on top of her game, focused and positive about her future, but by the end she felt completely alone and worthless. If you ever feel like your relationship is no longer bringing out the best in you, reflect on it. And try to be honest with what you find in your gut.

Sometimes women who are stuck in abusive relationships are judged for not leaving sooner. But as we can see in Jiah s case, it s not so easy to leave an abusive partner especially when the relationship starts off with such promise. For some women, they become so down on themselves that they stop believing they deserve something better. Their objective shifts to simply surviving, while hopelessly praying that things turn around- no matter how ingrained the predictable pattern has become.

It didn t matter how many gifts I gave you or how beautiful I looked for you.

It is very common to believe that if someone doesn t reciprocate your love, showering them with gifts and trying to look more attractive for them will do the trick. But if they don t love you for you, the gifts and the extra primping won t matter. You will only become more invested, frustrated with poor returns , and you will feel increasingly unappreciated.

Make no mistake; gift-giving and trying to stay attractive for your partner is important in a relationship. But it isn t the essence, and it is not what s at the foundation. At the base of a healthy relationship is love and mutual respect – not the superficialities.

All I wanted was love. I did everything for you. I was working for us. But you were never my partner.

A healthy relationship is about building and sustaining an us . It requires commitment from both partners to work hard and be giving. But you can t do the work for both of you. Akin to playing doubles in tennis, if you re not both putting in the effort, playing will become more exhausting and stressful. Jiah hoped that if she did his work too, they could make it. But relationships are a two-way street. He wasn t her partner, and no matter how much work she put in it could never make up for his deficits.

Seeing your partner s potential for growth is crucial for a relationship. But at a certain point it is necessary to examine how realistic the expectations are. It sounds from the letter like Jiah recognized time and time and again that she was more committed to the relationship, yet she continued to hoping things would get better. Evidently they did not.

Jiah says later in the letter that he promised her they would get engaged once they made it to a year of being together. Perhaps that promise is what motivated Jiah to keep trying and keep hoping they could be happy together. But hey, if you re not happy now, you won t be happy later.

All I want now is to go to sleep and never wake up again. I am nothing. I had everything. I felt so alone even while with you. You made me feel alone and vulnerable. I am so much more than this.

Suicide can be a very perplexing behaviour, especially when committed by someone who had a life that was widely envied. But the reality is that if you believe you are nothing and feel that you have nothing to live for, the positives in your life will be simply be floating in the blurry background. You know they re there but you can t appreciate them because the pain you re in is making them out of focus.

Unfortunately, suicide is a phenomenon that we hear about in the media fairly often. As misguided as it may seem to the observer, to the suffering person it can represent the final quest for relief from pain. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide; seek psychiatric help immediately. The person may hate you for it, but don t want to ever look back and second-guess yourself.

I lost myself in loving you.

Perhaps the crux of her letter is not about blaming a lover for hurting her. Rather, it s the sad cry from allowing a relationship to reduce her to a woman she no longer recognized. Mourning for the woman she used to be. Wishing she knew better and could have internalized back then that she was much more than this .

Jiah lost herself in a relationship and unfortunately, it can happen very easily. When you are in a relationship, especially a new one, it is vital to have a firm sense of who you are and be in touch with your inner gut. If the person is bringing out a part of you that you don t like, or makes you feel like you are worthless, or never reciprocates your positive gestures, or abuses you mentally/physically/sexually, or makes you stop caring about the things that important to you, you need to assess the situation- and whether you should stay- with brutal honesty.

Read more about causes, symptoms, diagnosis and treatment of depression.

Sometimes it s easier to stay with what s painful and familiar than risk walking away into the unknown and being single. But sometimes it takes a little pain to avoid a lot of pain.

If you want to be in a healthy relationship, make sure to check in with yourself whenever you begin dating someone new. How does this person make me feel? Do I feel respected? Understood? Are they faithful to me? Do they appreciate what I do for them? Can we talk out issues when they come up? How does this person act when angry?

At the same time, keep an eye on yourself and your own life being in order. Remember, the whole is the sum of its parts. And only then, when you re feeling whole and in touch with what you deserve in a relationship, will you be truly lovable not only to someone, but more importantly to yourself.

Read more about causes, symptoms, diagnosis and treatment of stress.

Rachel Hercman, LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) is a psychotherapist specializing in sexuality, dating, and relationships. She works at the Medical Center for Female Sexuality in New York, a center that provides cutting-edge medical and psychological treatment for female sexual dysfunction, where she helps women improve their sexual functioning, body image and relationship satisfaction.

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Published : August 25, 2015 12:09 pm | Updated:August 25, 2015 1:05 pm

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